the end for now

hello everyone!

i am sorry to say that although i have tried to come back to this blog i just cant do it. it is way too much a painful reminder of what i have lost at this time...

please join me on my new blog for my new life as a single mom trying to figure it out at star cat love

much love and blessings to all,chella

rain courtesy free foto

seasons of darkness ..looking for the light

 Hello everyone! I have been gone from the ether land for a very long time, and truly it feels like forever! I have deeply missed reading each and every blog on my list...I hadn't fully realised how much hope, joy, beauty, inspiration, I  had gotten from you all until it was silent...and the silence became a big part of the  black hole that has consumed my existence.                                                                                                             I don't want to dwell in the darkness here,  only give you a hint  of what I've been thru so you can  understand where I am now headed...into the vast unknown.                                                                                                                  This past fall I  lost my beloved grandmother, a loss that I am finding difficult to put into words here. She was a very loving wonderful special person and the only grandma I had ever known, and I  miss her terribly.                                                                                                               After the loss of my grandma, my beautiful magical home that I wished to stay in forever was taken from me abruptly in a most awful way, that I still can not get over. In October when we had to move, my partner S abandoned me, and I was left to move us all by  myself, into a horrible little  mobile home that I had the worst  feeling about. My intuition proved to be right on and no sooner did we move in that we were looking for a new place...in the 2 months that we lived there we lost our 2 puppies to unspeakable tragedy, our adorable grey kitten to the darkness outside my door. We endured constant almost daily harassment by the landlord, found out that my favorite aunt had gone missing, presumed to be dead...Suffered brutally cold nights with almost no heat, went without food some nights. Without a phone briefly, went without comfort, and art, and baking, and walking, and smiling and laughter, and all the little  things that make being alive worth living...So much so that by the end of the day I was just barely breathing...   January found us moving into another home. Again I did it alone.                       The new rental seemed like a good fit. The landlord said all the right things to make me feel like I could comfortably regroup...pull myself together a bit. My parents god bless them paid the deposit and rent for me as I didn't have a penny to my name. It is a spacious house compared to what we were used to. It is in a town I didn't know very well. I was exhausted but hopeful.                            And now here I am 4 months later,slowly coming back to life. Originally the landlord said we could have a year lease. After we moved in she brought us the lease...for 6 months...just one of the many lies I've had to endure since we moved in. Not really enough time to fully regroup, I have 8 weeks to figure out my next step.         It is difficult.                           I still have the weight of all that loss heavy on my mind and heart. I miss my family in Connecticut. I am tired of moving, desperately want a house to call my own and absolutely no way to accomplish that in the near future. I'm not sure where I am going from here, I  only know I have just 8 weeks to figure it out. I have a home full of inventory for a shop that never happened. Art supplies and no creative mojo to put it all together, and 4 kids and a house full of animals who are all looking to me to make it better.                                 So that is my abridged version of why I haven't been posting. I have no idea where I'm headed, and a little bit of hesitation on putting my disastrous life up for everyone to see. But I have this new phone that I can mobile blog from, and a desperate desire to turn my life around, and an overwhelming gratitude that I can get back to reading all your words again. Hopeful, energising, inspiring, beautiful,  creative souls who lift me up. I figure the least I can do is try to rise up so that I can one day soon walk amongst you all. I am hoping you all are doing fantabulous and looking forward to catching up on all your blogs... happy spring to all. Leaving the darkness of winter behind, stepping into the newness and sunshine of spring. Peace and love and sunshine, love chella

my secret dream

When I joined Kelly at a A Stuffed Life , to participate in this party she dreamed up, it seemed kismet at the time. I was giving a lot of deep thought to my life, where it is at, what direction it is going, what I want out of the near and far future, what are the dreams that keep me going when all else falls away.

What has become blatantly clear to me at this point in my life, is that my secret dream can no longer remain secret. It has to be revealed, so that I may start to create it. In real time, for the magic of physical manifestation, it has to be spoken.

I have been a gypsy most of my adult life. I have lived in 8 states in 13 years, in many many houses, trailers, apartments. Even a camper for the better part of a year, exploring the west coast, trying to find my PLACE. Where I felt that I could live my life , the way I wanted. I looked and plotted and chose places  at some times, and other times I watched for signs and followed the universe clues as to where I next belonged. It was at times hard, some times exhilarating, all of the time learning and growing and clarifying what is important and what, not so much. Priorities shifted, belongings left behind, friends gathered and collected in every place. I often thought of myself a child of the stars, bound to travel endlessly, because my PLACE never materialized. I thought for sure when I found it , I would know it. Deep in my soul like an unmistakable beat of the heart.

When we were living in Arizona, my intuition told me that I needed to come back to New Mexico. There were reservations, there were doubts, but the thought kept coming back to my soul over and over, it would not be ignored. The universe provided me with a lead on a sublease close enough to Santa Fe, that when I heard about it, my heart lept up, and I knew I had to see it. I knew I had to have it.

Against many, many odds the universe conspired to get me here, to this house. Within a month we were moving from Arizona, to New Mexico. I drove all day and night in a borrowed suburban, with 4 kids, 2 babies under the age of 2, 2 large dogs, 5 cats, and pulling a u haul.

That was October of 2008.

Every day since the day we moved in, I have dreamed of making this house mine.

We are not in the position right now to buy a house. So my dream has stayed secret. But the universe works in mysterious ways, and I have a feeling that if I follow those instincts, the same ones that led me here, the ones that guide me in the unknown, I just may be able to make this dream a reality.

This is my secret midsummer night dream

I dream of cooking at my own hearth

I dream of working at my own corner office

I dream of laying my head to sleep at night, knowing that I never have to move again, if I do not want too. That is my secret midsummer nights dream.

Thanks to Kelly for dreaming up the dream, and inspiring me to come out of the closet, one step colser to making my dream a reality.

What is your secret dream?

Many blessings, Peace and Love, chella

scrappy ghetto fabulous

So I know I said that I was feeling feeling pretty burnt toast on putting up fencing, and that my creativity needed a boost, a diversion. So this is where it took me, to the entrance to my studio. This year the grapes are growing wonderfully, but they were hanging over my doorway to the studio quite heavily. I decided to take some of the extra fencing, and build a small arbor around the entrance. I am happy. Now I can go in and out without having to get swacked by grapes. The doorway itself is still hobbit sized, so I still have to duck going in, but it is much more manageable.

The entrance to my studio, the arbor. If things look a little wonky and crooked, well, they are. That is pretty much how old New Mexico was built, and I have never been into an older house that was level. At first, coming from the straight and extremely level east coast, I was a little taken aback by the unevenness of it all, but I have come to love it, and all its angles, in its entirety.
It speaks of being connected. Homes made of earth, in more organic form, built of mud and clay and by many hands, honed by the eye of the builder, leaning into the land, around rocks and trees, and streams. No bulldozed foundation here,  simply built on a spot that was honored and given consideration to the land that is being built on. This home was built to keep living, generation after generation, snug in the warm earth, safe, sound, solid...and a little bit crooked.

Now the grape vines can stretch out, and make a canopy overhead. I will be adding farielights soon.

The grapes will not be fully ripe for another month, but they are still OH so yummy. They are crunchy and SO sour, and I cannot help but snag one or two when I go inside. My studio is almost complete, but it still needs some tweaking.

Walking in thru the door is the wall of chaos. I am in the process of painting the shelving and such to match, so it appears more streamlined. But it gives a hint of the madness that fuels me.

Some beads... I love finding spice jars at yard sales and thrift stores, to hold my dizzying array of beads

Small jars for small things, looks more crooked here than it is...

I took these pics at dusk, me thinks the lighting could've been better, lets call these the "BEFORE" shots, shall we?

An old collage, one of my first...its simplicity makes me smile

And I leave you with a piece of vintage ephemera...does any one remember rainbow brite? Well this is her horse, starlite. This is from a paper doll set, from when I was small. She has traveled with me all this time. I am not ashamed. I love rainbows, and I am proud. What have you kept from your childhood that makes you smile?  Peace and love, chella

a midsummer night secret dream

Today I am inspired to join a party hosted by Kelly of A Stuffed Life. The past full moon was especially powerful to my psyche, and when I happened upon the invitation to share my secret dream I was driven by the moon to participate. Admittedly the shy and unsure part of me is screaming at the hopeful and optimistic part of me (damn being part Gemini) but I am here posting it still, as there is inside of me a dream burning my soul to be realised. It is a huge dream. So huge it is scary to talk about. SO at this time I will leave it hanging in the otherworld. Until July 17, Midsummer night, where all sorts of secrets shall be revealed, by many other than myself. I cant help but imagine what kind of magical pull that will create within the universe of infinite possibilities. If YOU have a secret dream, join us  here. Many blessings to all, and Happy 4th of July! Be Safe and have fun. What will you be dreaming of today? Peace and Love, Chella

beauty, inspiration, a collage

Hi! All this post digging and fence building has me craving art and beauty, yet at the end of the day I am just dang tired! SO I am trying to spend a little more down time gathering inspiration, working on my blog design, and seeing what all you creative ladies are out there doing. This is a picture of a collage I made, and it hangs above  my computer station to remind me of the beauty that is, every day, even when I am too tired to notice.  What gives you a lift when you are tired? Peace and Love, Chella

summer solistice, a birthday

Yesterday was the Summer Solstice, also known as Litha, or Midsummer, and the official first day of summer. I have always had an affinity for this holiday because my mother, goddess bless her, was so thoughtful to give birth to me on this day, 34 years ago. I have often thought that it was the auspicious date of my birth that contributed to my strange and unusual being. I usually spend my birthday part in celebration, and part in contemplation. Thinking about the past year of my life, where I have been and where I am going, what I would like for myself in the next year. I usually journal and oft do myself a year forecast tarot reading. Some years I do an elaborate ritual celebration, some years it passes quietly.

This year was a quiet reflection as I was too physically exhausted to do much ritual. I spent the day diggin posts for the fence that I am building between the orchard and the garden areas of the yard. In fact that is mostly why I haven't posted as of late, as I have been consumed by the fence project, trying desperately to keep my puppies contained so they do not get run over and  killed! Sirius' accident last week left me with just one focus, and I cannot seem to stop until I am done. Not even for birthday celebration!  I did take a break for a small part of the afternoon to make pie, because I know that the boys did want to celebrate.

I am usually a cake makin kinda gal, especially for birthdays, but this year I was inspired to make a lemon meringue pie, so with Zaelyns assistance, I made a lemon and a lime pie. And it wasn't really a meringue, as I made homemade whip cream to go on top instead. But none the less, it was a great hit, and it was a sweet way to end the longest day of the year.

my first ever homemade lemon pie

I let S put the homemade whip cream on

a slice of delicious lemony yumminess

and a glass of my favorite bevy, Guinness

I got the wonderful pie recipe here, Grandmas Lemon Meringue Pie, and the whip cream was simply whipping cream with a couple tablespoons of sugar, hand whipped until peaks started to form and the cream lost its glossy sheen.

So Happy Solstice to all , and to all a wonderful Midsummers night! What did you celebrate today? Peace and Love, Chella