Tuesday, May 3, 2011

seasons of darkness ..looking for the light

 Hello everyone! I have been gone from the ether land for a very long time, and truly it feels like forever! I have deeply missed reading each and every blog on my list...I hadn't fully realised how much hope, joy, beauty, inspiration, I  had gotten from you all until it was silent...and the silence became a big part of the  black hole that has consumed my existence.                                                                                                             I don't want to dwell in the darkness here,  only give you a hint  of what I've been thru so you can  understand where I am now headed...into the vast unknown.                                                                                                                  This past fall I  lost my beloved grandmother, a loss that I am finding difficult to put into words here. She was a very loving wonderful special person and the only grandma I had ever known, and I  miss her terribly.                                                                                                               After the loss of my grandma, my beautiful magical home that I wished to stay in forever was taken from me abruptly in a most awful way, that I still can not get over. In October when we had to move, my partner S abandoned me, and I was left to move us all by  myself, into a horrible little  mobile home that I had the worst  feeling about. My intuition proved to be right on and no sooner did we move in that we were looking for a new place...in the 2 months that we lived there we lost our 2 puppies to unspeakable tragedy, our adorable grey kitten to the darkness outside my door. We endured constant almost daily harassment by the landlord, found out that my favorite aunt had gone missing, presumed to be dead...Suffered brutally cold nights with almost no heat, went without food some nights. Without a phone briefly, went without comfort, and art, and baking, and walking, and smiling and laughter, and all the little  things that make being alive worth living...So much so that by the end of the day I was just barely breathing...   January found us moving into another home. Again I did it alone.                       The new rental seemed like a good fit. The landlord said all the right things to make me feel like I could comfortably regroup...pull myself together a bit. My parents god bless them paid the deposit and rent for me as I didn't have a penny to my name. It is a spacious house compared to what we were used to. It is in a town I didn't know very well. I was exhausted but hopeful.                            And now here I am 4 months later,slowly coming back to life. Originally the landlord said we could have a year lease. After we moved in she brought us the lease...for 6 months...just one of the many lies I've had to endure since we moved in. Not really enough time to fully regroup, I have 8 weeks to figure out my next step.         It is difficult.                           I still have the weight of all that loss heavy on my mind and heart. I miss my family in Connecticut. I am tired of moving, desperately want a house to call my own and absolutely no way to accomplish that in the near future. I'm not sure where I am going from here, I  only know I have just 8 weeks to figure it out. I have a home full of inventory for a shop that never happened. Art supplies and no creative mojo to put it all together, and 4 kids and a house full of animals who are all looking to me to make it better.                                 So that is my abridged version of why I haven't been posting. I have no idea where I'm headed, and a little bit of hesitation on putting my disastrous life up for everyone to see. But I have this new phone that I can mobile blog from, and a desperate desire to turn my life around, and an overwhelming gratitude that I can get back to reading all your words again. Hopeful, energising, inspiring, beautiful,  creative souls who lift me up. I figure the least I can do is try to rise up so that I can one day soon walk amongst you all. I am hoping you all are doing fantabulous and looking forward to catching up on all your blogs... happy spring to all. Leaving the darkness of winter behind, stepping into the newness and sunshine of spring. Peace and love and sunshine, love chella